This has been a weird, difficult week for me.
It’s funny to think that, this time last week, I was in the midst of a long weekend, I was getting laundry together, doing grocery shopping, getting clothing and such together to donate. I felt good.
Tuesday I said good bye to my little fur ball and that has had my heart repeatedly breaking.
Wednesday, a well meaning friend came over with sugar free ice cream and an attempt to distract me from my broken heart. Problem is, my well meaning friend is a doctor (I’ll call her Dr. M) and her idea of distraction was to go on and on and on about how I am diabetic. It was like being diagnosed all over again. “You can’t be angry about this.” “You need to get over this.” “It’s just like, I know I can’t eat item X because I will put on weight.”
I may not have been diabetic for long, but gees, not eating a chocolate bar because it will make you fat is not the same thing as having diabetes. Knowing that there are foods (bananas are one for me) that you shouldn’t eat because it sends your blood sugar doing stupid things – well it’s harder still because it’s not like a banana is junk food.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever shown Dr. M this post, but I need to articulate how she made me feel on Wednesday.
I had my friend walk in the door to offer support, but I had a doctor take over the day.
My feelings of anger and frustration, feelings of shame and fear, feelings of deprivation, were completed discredited. My feelings were dismissed. I was told that, while my BG readings were within the “normal” range, “People without diabetes don’t ever have readings like (mine).” Apparently the medical profession has tested the blood glucose of everyone in the world and us diabetics? Well the range that associations like American Diabetes or Canadian Diabetes have are just to make us feel better? Because, were I normal, my two hour post meal BG wouldn’t be that high. It’s really comforting to know that I’m not normal.
I am struggling with the emotions and I’m struggling to understand what’s going on in my body and how I can be the one in control, and not be controlled. I’m struggling with the title diabetic and the whole diabetic diet.
I’m feeling really lost right now, a little betrayed. It’s bad enough my body is doing stupid stuff and depression is hanging around like an unwanted STD, but to have my friend dismissing my feelings on top of it?
I don’t recommend being angry always, but I do believe it is part of a normal grieving process, one of which, I was unaware, there is a time limit on.